I have moved three times in my adult life. I have picked up and left one
city, moved to another, and have had to make new friends. Making new
friends was the hardest yet most important part of each move and has
required great effort. I have had to step out of my comfort zone, go to
events where I knew no one, extend hospitality to others, and take any
opportunity I could of seeing my new friends. I found that with each and
every new friendship the ones that were based in our Catholic faith
where we prayed together and gave generously to each other of our time
and energy were the friendships that were the strongest and most
meaningful.
Read the rest at the National Catholic Register...
Confessions of a Catholic Mom and Philosopher's Wife
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Saturday, June 10, 2017
New York, New York...
One of my best friends from college has been living in New York City for about as long as we have been living in Minnesota. She had a stint in the Midwest and another in the South during our years in Buffalo, New York--which is not anywhere near NYC for those of you unsure of your New York geography. Buffalo is on Lake Erie over eight hours driving from NYC (which takes another eight hours to get across by bus, but the train is faster, and if traffic is good, take an Uber... right?). Well, my friend Claire grew up in Jersey, so NYC is much more her native environment than it could ever be for me.
A few weekends ago, Claire welcomed our mutual friend Tina and myself to her tiny flat in Queens for a Moms' get away weekend. We lived like we were single, but mostly talked about our kids and Claire, being the awesome single lady and friend that she is, enjoyed every single story. And we being on break from our home lives, ate out more times (without kids) in three days than we have in the past several years. I used to say that I did not really feel like an adult yet, but since I had my fourth child and we bought a house, I have been feeling more and more of adulthood. This solo trip to NY showed me even more how I am a grown up... (oh the plight of us Millenials...)
The weekend was quite memorable, full of more stories than you might care to hear. My visit started with an early 4:30am wake up, and somehow no coffee until I was through security and walking to my gate. It was a direct flight, and somehow I ended up talking to my seatmate--a single bearded man a year younger than me--the whole flight. We started on something about the flight, snow driving in Minnesota, Iowa cops (his home state) and speed traps, my kids, home schooling, Catholicism, sacramental theology, science and the Bible, why he stopped going to church, how he wants to raise kids Catholic if he ever gets married, Kant, Shakespeare, my parish's Sunday orchestral Mass, photons, where we were on 9-11 (as we flew by the Freedom tower), and ended on craft beer. It was quite fun; and I hope that he goes to the orchestral Mass someday.
After I landed in NY, I am quite proud of myself for making my way to the bus stop and managing to acquire and load a metro card, getting on the right bus, and getting off at the right stop. It helped that Queens has numbered streets, so I could count down as we went along. My awkwardness of riding a bus pressed into strangers all ignoring me completely dissipated by the end of the weekend.
Claire brought us into Manhattan for all sorts of interesting things every day of the visit. We went to a giant spice store, ate amazing mac and cheese (mine was provolone and Gruyere with bacon, spinach, and roasted tomatoes...I need to recreate it...), went to a secret play (where you had to have your name on the list) at St. Michael's church at a back entrance, laughed way too loud on the train, hailed a taxi, slept in to go to a noon Sunday Mass at St. Vincent Ferrars, spent the afternoon at the MET, bought art from a street vendor, walked through central park, bought a new dress and hat, went to the NY Frassati dinner and praise and worship holy hour, went out for fancy cocktails at Seamstress, Ubered our way home, stayed up until 2am, woke up at 10am, walked around in the pouring rain, sent Tina off to her flight, only bought three books at Strand books, prayed at the old St. Patrick's, went down to Chinatown, ate soup dumplings and funny ice cream, and talked and talked and talked and talked. Then I woke up bright and early to fly home...coming home to everyone who missed me.
And, yes, the weekend was a fun as it sounded, but the whole time, I was thinking, NYC is fun and all, but boy do I love living in the Midwest. The beauty out here in flyover country is incredible. Upstate New York is pretty gorgeous itself, but there is nothing quite like the middle of America. I also realized how people have so much time to spend online. When you commute for an hour on a train, of course you have time to check the internet a billion times, have twitter battles, Instagram random things, read blogs, send emails and so on. Being a stay at home mom means that my sitting down alone time consists of the snatched minutes I have in the bathroom with an iPad.
Yet, the whole point of the weekend, which is what I said from the planning stages was to catch up with old friends. We opted on one morning to skip all the plans and just hang out together. How many times in my life will I get to do another ladies weekend like this, with friends who have known me for so long, who knew me in my most vulnerable times in college? These are the ladies who helped me learn a deeper love of God, who prayed over me countless times, who still know me so well. And that was the reason for the weekend of fun and rest and friendship.
(And if you are wondering the professor fared quite well alone with the kids... he even beer battered and fried his own cheese curds...)
The weekend was quite memorable, full of more stories than you might care to hear. My visit started with an early 4:30am wake up, and somehow no coffee until I was through security and walking to my gate. It was a direct flight, and somehow I ended up talking to my seatmate--a single bearded man a year younger than me--the whole flight. We started on something about the flight, snow driving in Minnesota, Iowa cops (his home state) and speed traps, my kids, home schooling, Catholicism, sacramental theology, science and the Bible, why he stopped going to church, how he wants to raise kids Catholic if he ever gets married, Kant, Shakespeare, my parish's Sunday orchestral Mass, photons, where we were on 9-11 (as we flew by the Freedom tower), and ended on craft beer. It was quite fun; and I hope that he goes to the orchestral Mass someday.
 |
| Yes, that is a stained glass window with Aristotle...his halo is blue as opposed to yellow. From St. Vincent Ferrars, |
Yet, the whole point of the weekend, which is what I said from the planning stages was to catch up with old friends. We opted on one morning to skip all the plans and just hang out together. How many times in my life will I get to do another ladies weekend like this, with friends who have known me for so long, who knew me in my most vulnerable times in college? These are the ladies who helped me learn a deeper love of God, who prayed over me countless times, who still know me so well. And that was the reason for the weekend of fun and rest and friendship.
(And if you are wondering the professor fared quite well alone with the kids... he even beer battered and fried his own cheese curds...)
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Back when the kids were smaller and we were poorer
As I was writing the article for the NCRegister linked below, I saw that Rebecca Frech had written about things she misses about being poor. She reminded me of the friendships I thrived upon with fellow mothers in the throes of early motherhood. We spent so many mornings together sharing food, watching our children play, and drinking cups and cups of coffee. We made meals for each other at the birth of our babies. We shared clothes. We basked in the simplicity of having small children without busy schedules of older children. Those friendships are so special to me, and now I live hundreds of miles away from those ladies I spent so many hours with, I still cherish the friendships we had back then while we stay in touch now.
Pancakes were a lunch we often made for each other. Whenever I make them for lunch now, I think about those friends. They are the ultimate comfort food on a cold Fall, Winter, or Spring day in these northern states that I have been settled in. They are also an inexpensive meal that I can guarantee my children will eat, and mostly healthy since I use whole wheat flour.
We paid off my student loans last month, and have not yet quite realized the financial freedom which we now have. With older children the money will be redirected towards things like piano lessons, home school supplies, more clothes. But I will always try to remember the times when money was more sparse and when we felt guilty for buying even the simplest of things.
Pancakes were a lunch we often made for each other. Whenever I make them for lunch now, I think about those friends. They are the ultimate comfort food on a cold Fall, Winter, or Spring day in these northern states that I have been settled in. They are also an inexpensive meal that I can guarantee my children will eat, and mostly healthy since I use whole wheat flour.
We paid off my student loans last month, and have not yet quite realized the financial freedom which we now have. With older children the money will be redirected towards things like piano lessons, home school supplies, more clothes. But I will always try to remember the times when money was more sparse and when we felt guilty for buying even the simplest of things.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
My Three Most Memorable St. Valentine's Days
-->
As for the patron saint of lovers himself, I looked him up in our awesome hardcover Septuagesima volume of Dom
Gueranger’s The Liturgical Year, and
it turns out that whatever legends we have of him are not part of the
liturgical tradition. We know that he was a priest “who suffered martyrdom
towards the middle of the third century,” and that “the ravages of time have
deprived us of the details of his life and sufferings.” However, we should look
to his martyrdom as a model who encourages “us to spare no sacrifice which can
restore us to, or increase within us, the grace of God.”
 |
| M and I our "first time dating" freshman year. |
1. February 14,
2005—A serious discussion with a pre-theologate (not really a seminarian, I
promise... he was just in the “discernment program”)
Freshman year at Franciscan University of Steubenville was a
rough year emotionally. I happened to have a massive crush on a guy in the
pre-theologate program, and the thing is, he was acting as if he had a crush on
me. You know, hanging out together all the time (we were in the same group of
friends), singling each other out for discussion, walking a friend back to her
dorm across campus together so we could walk back to our adjacent dorms alone,
on movie nights sitting right next to each other on the same couch, and there
may have been some flirting.
Well it all came to ahead right around St. Valentine’s day
(or Sts. Cyril and Methodius Day for those of you who prefer the new calendar).
I was confused: was this guy really discerning the priesthood or did he like
me? He was less confused about my affection and more confused about his
discernment. I confided in a few good friends, including a wonderful couple who
let me interrupt their date night in a common room to get advice. They advised
me to talk to him and tell him that he was confusing me.
I called him up, and asked to go for a walk because “we needed to talk.” My plan was to tell him that I was attracted to him and to ask him to give me some space, so that I could get over him and he could go on discerning the priesthood. We met up on a rainy courtyard clad in rain jackets (what a mild February that must have been!). I dove right into my problem. “I am attracted to you,” I confessed to him. “Um, well, I am attracted to you,” he replied, and then we paused. What were we supposed to do? Well, I decided to tell him the entirety of my past crushes and involvements with boys; I am not really sure why. I think I wanted to let him know that I really needed him to be straight forward with me. By the end of our discussion we decided that we needed to put serious limits on our interaction since we had become way to close to be “just friends.”
That worked for one emotionally painful week, and then I guess he had had enough. He met with his formation director, told all, and then left the program. He was free to date. The next day he asked me out. There is a lot more that happened after that, but eventually we got married, well three years later, which seems like a long time when you are only 18. I will tell the rest of the relationship history another time.
I called him up, and asked to go for a walk because “we needed to talk.” My plan was to tell him that I was attracted to him and to ask him to give me some space, so that I could get over him and he could go on discerning the priesthood. We met up on a rainy courtyard clad in rain jackets (what a mild February that must have been!). I dove right into my problem. “I am attracted to you,” I confessed to him. “Um, well, I am attracted to you,” he replied, and then we paused. What were we supposed to do? Well, I decided to tell him the entirety of my past crushes and involvements with boys; I am not really sure why. I think I wanted to let him know that I really needed him to be straight forward with me. By the end of our discussion we decided that we needed to put serious limits on our interaction since we had become way to close to be “just friends.”
That worked for one emotionally painful week, and then I guess he had had enough. He met with his formation director, told all, and then left the program. He was free to date. The next day he asked me out. There is a lot more that happened after that, but eventually we got married, well three years later, which seems like a long time when you are only 18. I will tell the rest of the relationship history another time.
 |
| 8 months pregnant with our first. I was showing more than he was. |
2. February 14, 2009—Star Trek marathon.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first, and we were 8 months
into our marriage. We decided that St. Valentine’s day was the last night of
our youth since we were going to be taking care of our baby in a month. We went
out to dinner (I can’t remember where), and then went to the best grocery store
on the face of the earth, Wegmans, bought some snacks or something, and took
turns riding the cart in the parking lot. Yep, I rode a cart at 8 months
pregnant; I was empowered by Bradley birthing classes. Then we went over to
Blockbuster and rented three of the original Star Trek movies. We then
proceeded to watch them one after another, eating food, and wondering if the
baby was a boy because the baby sure liked all the sound effects. (She was a
girl, or course.)
I think this was my favorite St. Valentine’s day. We spent the first year or so of G’s life watching Star Trek Voyager, and then went through all the other Star Trek shows. We are pretty nerdly.
I think this was my favorite St. Valentine’s day. We spent the first year or so of G’s life watching Star Trek Voyager, and then went through all the other Star Trek shows. We are pretty nerdly.
 |
| My Valentines dates in 2012. |
3. February 14, 2012—Me
and my daiquri.
The winter of 2012 was one of the most stressful of our
relationship. M was “on the job market,” and we were in a continual state of
anxiety waiting for calls or emails about job interviews. February is the
normal month for on campus interviews, and boy M had a lot of them (for which
we were very blessed). It seemed like every couple of days he was called out to
another interview. I think he was gone for two full weeks of that month.
Well on St. Valentine’s Day, while M was at an awkward job interview dinner with two potential colleagues (not for the position he ultimately accepted) at a restaurant full of couples out on dates, I was hundreds of miles away, at home, having a romantic dinner of what was probably scrambled eggs with a not yet three year old and a one year old. After I put them to bed, I read one of C.S. Forester’s Horatio Hornblower novels and drank a daiquiri (I got pretty good at making daiquiris that month).
Well on St. Valentine’s Day, while M was at an awkward job interview dinner with two potential colleagues (not for the position he ultimately accepted) at a restaurant full of couples out on dates, I was hundreds of miles away, at home, having a romantic dinner of what was probably scrambled eggs with a not yet three year old and a one year old. After I put them to bed, I read one of C.S. Forester’s Horatio Hornblower novels and drank a daiquiri (I got pretty good at making daiquiris that month).
After M got back to his hotel and called me up to recap the
dinner, he informed me that he had been offered two more interviews. I just
about cried, as I was at my wits end with the single parenting stuff, and I am
pretty sure my mom friends were tired of me spending half the days at their
houses. I made emergency calls to my parents and in-laws begging someone to
come stay with me for the last interview. My wonderful mother-in-law took pity
on me, and I rewarded her with our traditional Mardi Gras dinner of strawberry
filled crepes, ice cream, and bacon.
Much to our relief, M received a job offer on February 17, when he was back home, so even though he was going to be gone for a few more interviews, we had the relief of knowing he would have a job.
Much to our relief, M received a job offer on February 17, when he was back home, so even though he was going to be gone for a few more interviews, we had the relief of knowing he would have a job.
______
And that is it. The rest of the St. Valentine’s days of our relationship probably involve either dinner at some restaurant or staying home with the kids. I can’t really recall.
And that is it. The rest of the St. Valentine’s days of our relationship probably involve either dinner at some restaurant or staying home with the kids. I can’t really recall.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Seven Quick Takes: Friday, July 18
1. I have not done Quick Takes in weeks now, but I will do them now since I know people really like them. I am pretty sure that I saw all of my blog readers while on my trip; well at least those of you who are in the family. I was teased by several of my aunts about my writing, but at least they read my writing. :)
2. Several people in the family joined in with the Novena to Bl. Louis and Zelie Martin, which I thought went very well. I loved that it did no just have the daily prayers, but a reflection on the life of the blesseds as well. I hope to read more about them soon. The creator of the site which has the novena text, Maureen O'Riordan, contacted me after seeing referrals from LWLP. She was really excited that so many of you joined in the novena. I plan to do it again next year.
3. I said earlier this week that the trip went well, but apparently I blocked out of my memory the children having trouble in the Appalachian Mountains. Their stomachs and the mountains did no agree, and one child neglected to inform her parents of the situation until she was a stinky mess. Yeah, that was fun. And I just realized today that Dramamine could have solved the problem of the mountains and children who will not nap in the car. Next time we go, we will bring the Dramamine! But the mountains were lovely. Apparently, we took no pictures of the mountains, just the people. So, here we have F an I on a .5 mile hike at an overlook. We hiked after we drove to the top of the mountain.
4. The next day we took a real hike: 531 steps down into a gorge and 531 back up with children on our backs. G (5) did them all by herself.
All I could think about on the way up was how hard my heart was pounding and if my aorta was going to dissect. If it could happen to my father, then it could happen to me, right? It turns out that it is harder to carry a 3 year old on your back than a one year old, and that G is in better shape than us all. M and I were wiped out at the top and G was running around ready for more.
5. The highlight in Ohio was our huge family Fourth of July gathering, where we had all of my maternal grandparent's descendants except for 5 (of the 17) grandchildren. (In my count I include the one on the way.) The 7 great-grandchildren did their best to make up for the missing grandchildren. We also had a baby shower for my aunt (in-law) who is having her and my uncle's first child very soon! It was a lovely shower, and my creative and talented mother made an adorable centerpiece. I wish I had her flower arranging skills:
6. Michigan had a couple of highlights, one of them being seeing good friends. One evening, after the kids were in bed, M and I went over to our bachelor friend's house and we chatted until 1am with four other guy friends. It was just like back in college when the guys would debate and discuss about the Church, morality, charismatics, tradition, etc. It was a lot of fun, but the next day I was soooo tired. I guess I have lost my stamina for late nights... We also had lunch with another friend on a different day. Our last day in A2 we spent with our dear friends, and L's godparents, from college (and high school for M), and their two cute boys. I tried to convince them to move to Minnesota, but I don't think they will. They have a great house and all of their extended family there. We will just have to settle for seeing them a couple of times a year and try to plan more vacations with them.
7. The last two days of our trip were spent in Western Michigan at a wedding of one of M's cousins. It was a lovely wedding in a very modern looking Catholic church. I love that M has lots of head-covering at liturgy cousins and their little daughers in hats or veils. M's mom's side is even bigger than my mom's side. His grandparents had a celebration for their 60th anniversary the day after the wedding, and they are so awesome that they had the caterer make food especially for the kids separate from the adult line. The kids actually ate their food, and my kids managed to not spill the red punch all over their nice dresses even though relatives continued to give them more and more punch. The kids were thoroughly entertained by their teenage boy cousins pretending to put them in the trash cans. F handled the crowded by sitting possessively in her booster seat and then napping in a stroller. Once she woke up, she looked suspiciously at anyone who caught her eye. Anyway, we drove home the next day, the kids only needed one day of cranky transition time, and we are back to our comfortable at home routine.
For more Quick Takes, head on over to Jen at Conversion Diary:
2. Several people in the family joined in with the Novena to Bl. Louis and Zelie Martin, which I thought went very well. I loved that it did no just have the daily prayers, but a reflection on the life of the blesseds as well. I hope to read more about them soon. The creator of the site which has the novena text, Maureen O'Riordan, contacted me after seeing referrals from LWLP. She was really excited that so many of you joined in the novena. I plan to do it again next year.
3. I said earlier this week that the trip went well, but apparently I blocked out of my memory the children having trouble in the Appalachian Mountains. Their stomachs and the mountains did no agree, and one child neglected to inform her parents of the situation until she was a stinky mess. Yeah, that was fun. And I just realized today that Dramamine could have solved the problem of the mountains and children who will not nap in the car. Next time we go, we will bring the Dramamine! But the mountains were lovely. Apparently, we took no pictures of the mountains, just the people. So, here we have F an I on a .5 mile hike at an overlook. We hiked after we drove to the top of the mountain.
 |
| The way down. |
 |
| At the very bottom. |
5. The highlight in Ohio was our huge family Fourth of July gathering, where we had all of my maternal grandparent's descendants except for 5 (of the 17) grandchildren. (In my count I include the one on the way.) The 7 great-grandchildren did their best to make up for the missing grandchildren. We also had a baby shower for my aunt (in-law) who is having her and my uncle's first child very soon! It was a lovely shower, and my creative and talented mother made an adorable centerpiece. I wish I had her flower arranging skills:
6. Michigan had a couple of highlights, one of them being seeing good friends. One evening, after the kids were in bed, M and I went over to our bachelor friend's house and we chatted until 1am with four other guy friends. It was just like back in college when the guys would debate and discuss about the Church, morality, charismatics, tradition, etc. It was a lot of fun, but the next day I was soooo tired. I guess I have lost my stamina for late nights... We also had lunch with another friend on a different day. Our last day in A2 we spent with our dear friends, and L's godparents, from college (and high school for M), and their two cute boys. I tried to convince them to move to Minnesota, but I don't think they will. They have a great house and all of their extended family there. We will just have to settle for seeing them a couple of times a year and try to plan more vacations with them.
7. The last two days of our trip were spent in Western Michigan at a wedding of one of M's cousins. It was a lovely wedding in a very modern looking Catholic church. I love that M has lots of head-covering at liturgy cousins and their little daughers in hats or veils. M's mom's side is even bigger than my mom's side. His grandparents had a celebration for their 60th anniversary the day after the wedding, and they are so awesome that they had the caterer make food especially for the kids separate from the adult line. The kids actually ate their food, and my kids managed to not spill the red punch all over their nice dresses even though relatives continued to give them more and more punch. The kids were thoroughly entertained by their teenage boy cousins pretending to put them in the trash cans. F handled the crowded by sitting possessively in her booster seat and then napping in a stroller. Once she woke up, she looked suspiciously at anyone who caught her eye. Anyway, we drove home the next day, the kids only needed one day of cranky transition time, and we are back to our comfortable at home routine.
For more Quick Takes, head on over to Jen at Conversion Diary:
Monday, June 23, 2014
Interview at Whole Parenting Family!
Welcome to any new readers visiting from Whole Parenting Family! Please take a look around and subscribe by email, in your RSS feeds, or "like" my blog on Facebook if you like what you see!
---------------
My friend Nell, who goes to St. Agnes with me and blogs at Whole Parenting Family, sweetly asked me a couple of weeks ago me to allow her to feature my blog on her blog as a blog of faith with two other mom bloggers. (How many times can one fit 'blog' in one sentence?)
The interview questions and my answers are up on her blog today! It was a neat to think about why I blog and look back at the beginning of the blog and see how it has evolved. So, check out the interview and check out the other featured blogs!
Have a lovely day!
---------------
My friend Nell, who goes to St. Agnes with me and blogs at Whole Parenting Family, sweetly asked me a couple of weeks ago me to allow her to feature my blog on her blog as a blog of faith with two other mom bloggers. (How many times can one fit 'blog' in one sentence?)
The interview questions and my answers are up on her blog today! It was a neat to think about why I blog and look back at the beginning of the blog and see how it has evolved. So, check out the interview and check out the other featured blogs!
Have a lovely day!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
The Millennials that Marry Young
The recent Pew Research Center report "Millennials in Adulthood" summed up a recent survey of my generation with this:
Photo by Paul Hagius
I married my husband ten days before my twenty-second birthday and three months after his. We both had a BA and MA to our names, and only I had student debt for us to pay off. We knew many couples from our small Catholic college that were in a similar situation. Many of the couples were hoping to have children, while one of the spouses went to graduate school for further education. Other friends of ours did things like go to graduate school, start a job, enter religious life, or go to seminary. These all seemed like choices that would make us feel like adults.
When our first daughter was born before our first anniversary, I was posting pictures of my baby on Facebook, while the majority of my friends were posting pictures of themselves going out with friends. While I spent Friday and Saturday nights at home with my husband, most of my peers were trying to figure out where they were going to the movies or out to dinner.
It was a very strange experience, to be one of the few of my high school and college acquaintance to be married and having children. We found friends in our new city who also were having their first children, but we were the youngest by two years. I wonder now, if we are so very different from our peers who waited five more years for marriage and children.
In the current discussion of “emerging adulthood,” a theory which is being applied to those of the millennial generation, financial independence, marriage, and having children are marks of full adulthood. But when I look at the description of what “emerging adults” experience, I have had the exact same feelings that unmarried peers also had. It is really only since we bought a house last year, that I sometimes really feel like an adult. There must be more to being an adult than marriage, money, and children.
Here are the five features of “emerging adulthood” from the 2006 review of the book by Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD, “Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road From the Late Teens Though the Twenties” (Oxford University Press, 2004) :
Going through the five features of “emerging adulthood,” I will begin with “age of identity exploration.” One of the great things about marrying young is that a couple can mature in adulthood together. Having met my husband when I was 18, on the cusp of so-called “emerging adulthood,” we have spent our whole adult life as friends. We spent as much time together as was reasonable, studying, praying, and hanging out. Our vocational discernment was largely influenced by our friendship, and we had a beautifully supportive community of friends. On the practical side, we cooked many dinners together at each other’s off-campus homes and worked the same student worker job. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other as very young adults, and we were able to do this in a safe community of the “bubble” of our conservative Catholic college campus.
Then we graduated, left the safety of our small community, got married, and moved to a brand new city with two minivans full of stuff to our name and only each other for local friends. Then we felt young in the wide world, but still hopeful as members of our generation. We helped each other in figuring out what we wanted out of life, but were also largely guided by our faith. I think, because of our Catholic identity, we did not feel the need to explore what we wanted in life after marriage. We were living the life we had chosen together, but still did not feel like adults.
The “Age of Instability” fits my experience well. Most of my life since high school has been characterized by the instability of moving from place to place. Since I was 18, I have lived in ten different homes, in dorms, houses, and apartments. Now that we have bought a house, I expect that we will have more home stability. I have lived in five different cities (including a semester abroad), but now that my husband has a tenure track position, I doubt that we will move again. It took a graduate degree and full time employment for us to find stability and to settle into a community. But unlike, our unmarried, nonreligious peers, we had the stability of each other, our extended families, and the community of the universal Church.
I definitely experienced the “Age of Self Focus.” Having my first child when my peers were not was very difficult for me. I found myself resenting my loss of freedom, and I was still very much self-focused as I took care of my child. Looking back, I see that a lot of my problem was getting used to taking care of an entirely dependent human being that required so much. For the first time in my life, my wants were not my priority. I struggled to take care of myself and another, but I still did not feel like an adult. I had already been restrained by marriage and children, but I still had a lot of selfishness to overcome. I think that self focus is something that is continually overcome, unless one is truly a saint.
Then there is the “Age of feeling in between,” which seems to me an unsurprising feature of maturing in adulthood. The youngest adults do not feel equal to the oldest adults in the workforce. I worked a part-time job my first two years of marriage, bringing my baby to work with me, but my co-workers all had children my age. They advised me on parenting, and had much more experience in our work. I was young and inexperienced in their eyes. My husband as a graduate student, under the tutelage of his professors and teaching classes of undergraduates, was very much in between. It seems that whether one is married or not, there is an adjustment time to the workforce.
Further, whenever we encountered a crisis situation, we were always calling our parents. Our car broke down, so we called for a tow, brought it to a shop, and then called our parents for advice about the repairs. We were facing many normal life experiences for the first time as adults, and felt like children doing so.
We were not immune to the “age of possibilities” either. We spent all of our last year in college hopeful about graduate schools and our marriage. When my husband was earning his PhD, we were hopeful about job prospects, though also realistic about the awful job market for prospective philosophy professors. When he did get his job, we were hopeful about our future. Even now, that we are finally “settled” with our family of five, in our house in the first ring suburb, we are hopeful about what our future will bring.
Millennials who have decided to settle down early in their twenties are still experiencing a lot of the same things that our unmarried peers are experiencing. In some ways it is more serious that jobs are hard to come by and student debt seems to have no end in sight. Many of the young Millennial families are living on one income or one and a half. For our children thrifty budgeting, home made foods, secondhand or clearance clothing, frequent Church attendance, siblings, and sharing rooms are just a part of life.
And as Catholics we have our faith. In our brave new world of social networking, we have online places of community. Thanks to our weekly obligation, we also have our local Catholic communities. Everywhere I have lived, a Catholic community has been my foundation. In my youth I had my family and parish. In college I had the whole campus and my closest friends. In graduate school, my husband and I quickly met as many young, Catholic couples as we could.
And now, we have found a great Catholic community in our new home. It is the real life Catholic community that has helped us preserve our values as a part of the generation who connects largely over the Internet, and the Internet has helped us to connect with Catholics across the globe. It is incredible, how a single prayer request on a person’s Facebook timeline can lead to hundreds and thousands of people praying. Millennials who have faith are certainly in the minority, and it will not be easy to preserve our values in society, but we will hold tight to our traditions and live.
Originally at Truth and Charity...
"The Millennial generation is forging a distinctive path into adulthood. Now ranging in age from 18 to 331, they are relatively unattached to organized politics and religion, linked by social media, burdened by debt, distrustful of people, in no rush to marry— and optimistic about the future."As it happens, many of my personal friends are also of the Millennial generation, but we, while linked by social media and burdened by debt, are very attached to politics, religion, and are happily married with children coming every couple of years. We are showing that there is more to our generation than a young adulthood of self exploration and leisure after adolescence. Emerging into adulthood can be paired with taking on responsibilities, and even though we do not feel like adults we are preserving traditional values for society that many of our peers are leaving by the wayside. I think that my story is not so very different from other religious Millennials, even if we are now living what some consider to be an "alternative lifestyle."
Photo by Paul HagiusI married my husband ten days before my twenty-second birthday and three months after his. We both had a BA and MA to our names, and only I had student debt for us to pay off. We knew many couples from our small Catholic college that were in a similar situation. Many of the couples were hoping to have children, while one of the spouses went to graduate school for further education. Other friends of ours did things like go to graduate school, start a job, enter religious life, or go to seminary. These all seemed like choices that would make us feel like adults.
When our first daughter was born before our first anniversary, I was posting pictures of my baby on Facebook, while the majority of my friends were posting pictures of themselves going out with friends. While I spent Friday and Saturday nights at home with my husband, most of my peers were trying to figure out where they were going to the movies or out to dinner.
It was a very strange experience, to be one of the few of my high school and college acquaintance to be married and having children. We found friends in our new city who also were having their first children, but we were the youngest by two years. I wonder now, if we are so very different from our peers who waited five more years for marriage and children.
In the current discussion of “emerging adulthood,” a theory which is being applied to those of the millennial generation, financial independence, marriage, and having children are marks of full adulthood. But when I look at the description of what “emerging adults” experience, I have had the exact same feelings that unmarried peers also had. It is really only since we bought a house last year, that I sometimes really feel like an adult. There must be more to being an adult than marriage, money, and children.
Here are the five features of “emerging adulthood” from the 2006 review of the book by Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD, “Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road From the Late Teens Though the Twenties” (Oxford University Press, 2004) :
Age of identity exploration. Young people are deciding who they are and what they want out of work, school and love.The thing is, all of these features have been a part of my experience since I was married at 21. Obviously, during our four years in college these things were normal, but after our wedding we were still learning to be adults.
Age of instability. The post-high school years are marked by repeated residence changes, as young people either go to college or live with friends or a romantic partner. For most, frequent moves end as families and careers are established in the 30s.
Age of self-focus. Freed of the parent- and society-directed routine of school, young people try to decide what they want to do, where they want to go and who they want to be with–before those choices get limited by the constraints of marriage, children and a career.
Age of feeling in between. Many emerging adults say they are taking responsibility for themselves, but still do not completely feel like an adult.
Age of possibilities. Optimism reigns. Most emerging adults believe they have good chances of living “better than their parents did,” and even if their parents divorced, they believe they’ll find a lifelong soul mate.
Going through the five features of “emerging adulthood,” I will begin with “age of identity exploration.” One of the great things about marrying young is that a couple can mature in adulthood together. Having met my husband when I was 18, on the cusp of so-called “emerging adulthood,” we have spent our whole adult life as friends. We spent as much time together as was reasonable, studying, praying, and hanging out. Our vocational discernment was largely influenced by our friendship, and we had a beautifully supportive community of friends. On the practical side, we cooked many dinners together at each other’s off-campus homes and worked the same student worker job. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other as very young adults, and we were able to do this in a safe community of the “bubble” of our conservative Catholic college campus.
Then we graduated, left the safety of our small community, got married, and moved to a brand new city with two minivans full of stuff to our name and only each other for local friends. Then we felt young in the wide world, but still hopeful as members of our generation. We helped each other in figuring out what we wanted out of life, but were also largely guided by our faith. I think, because of our Catholic identity, we did not feel the need to explore what we wanted in life after marriage. We were living the life we had chosen together, but still did not feel like adults.
The “Age of Instability” fits my experience well. Most of my life since high school has been characterized by the instability of moving from place to place. Since I was 18, I have lived in ten different homes, in dorms, houses, and apartments. Now that we have bought a house, I expect that we will have more home stability. I have lived in five different cities (including a semester abroad), but now that my husband has a tenure track position, I doubt that we will move again. It took a graduate degree and full time employment for us to find stability and to settle into a community. But unlike, our unmarried, nonreligious peers, we had the stability of each other, our extended families, and the community of the universal Church.
I definitely experienced the “Age of Self Focus.” Having my first child when my peers were not was very difficult for me. I found myself resenting my loss of freedom, and I was still very much self-focused as I took care of my child. Looking back, I see that a lot of my problem was getting used to taking care of an entirely dependent human being that required so much. For the first time in my life, my wants were not my priority. I struggled to take care of myself and another, but I still did not feel like an adult. I had already been restrained by marriage and children, but I still had a lot of selfishness to overcome. I think that self focus is something that is continually overcome, unless one is truly a saint.
Then there is the “Age of feeling in between,” which seems to me an unsurprising feature of maturing in adulthood. The youngest adults do not feel equal to the oldest adults in the workforce. I worked a part-time job my first two years of marriage, bringing my baby to work with me, but my co-workers all had children my age. They advised me on parenting, and had much more experience in our work. I was young and inexperienced in their eyes. My husband as a graduate student, under the tutelage of his professors and teaching classes of undergraduates, was very much in between. It seems that whether one is married or not, there is an adjustment time to the workforce.
Further, whenever we encountered a crisis situation, we were always calling our parents. Our car broke down, so we called for a tow, brought it to a shop, and then called our parents for advice about the repairs. We were facing many normal life experiences for the first time as adults, and felt like children doing so.
We were not immune to the “age of possibilities” either. We spent all of our last year in college hopeful about graduate schools and our marriage. When my husband was earning his PhD, we were hopeful about job prospects, though also realistic about the awful job market for prospective philosophy professors. When he did get his job, we were hopeful about our future. Even now, that we are finally “settled” with our family of five, in our house in the first ring suburb, we are hopeful about what our future will bring.
Millennials who have decided to settle down early in their twenties are still experiencing a lot of the same things that our unmarried peers are experiencing. In some ways it is more serious that jobs are hard to come by and student debt seems to have no end in sight. Many of the young Millennial families are living on one income or one and a half. For our children thrifty budgeting, home made foods, secondhand or clearance clothing, frequent Church attendance, siblings, and sharing rooms are just a part of life.
And as Catholics we have our faith. In our brave new world of social networking, we have online places of community. Thanks to our weekly obligation, we also have our local Catholic communities. Everywhere I have lived, a Catholic community has been my foundation. In my youth I had my family and parish. In college I had the whole campus and my closest friends. In graduate school, my husband and I quickly met as many young, Catholic couples as we could.
And now, we have found a great Catholic community in our new home. It is the real life Catholic community that has helped us preserve our values as a part of the generation who connects largely over the Internet, and the Internet has helped us to connect with Catholics across the globe. It is incredible, how a single prayer request on a person’s Facebook timeline can lead to hundreds and thousands of people praying. Millennials who have faith are certainly in the minority, and it will not be easy to preserve our values in society, but we will hold tight to our traditions and live.
Originally at Truth and Charity...
Friday, January 31, 2014
Seven Quick Takes: Friday, January 31
2. I have discovered how I am going to survive the rest of the Winter. I have a plan. I did not realize when we bought this house how wonderful it would be to have South facing windows all Winter. You see, even though we have at least 24" of snow currently on the ground, and it is crazy cold out all the time, it is sunny most days. Yesterday we woke up to a snow storm that brought us 6 new inches of snow, but as soon as the snow stopped the sun came out. I have sunshine in my kitchen nook from sunrise until 2pm everyday, and then it passes into the dining room, and finally into the living room. I am going to get to sit in the sun everyday for most of the Winter! And the cheery Winter sunshine if much more pleasant than the harsh, hot Summer sunshine.
3. Heavy cream is my children's new favorite ingredient in food. I made cream of mushroom soup the other night for dinner, and all through the meal my kids were saying: "Mmmmm, Mom, this is sooooo good! This is the best thing I have every had!" And I thought, yes it is a pretty good soup (thank you Julia Child). Then a few days later I made a quiche for dinner, and realized that it also called for heavy cream. Normally I use the highest fat milk we have around, and everyone likes it, but Wednesday I used cream. Oh my goodness, it was the creamiest quiche that I have ever had! G declared to me, "This is my favorite food ever! It is soooooo creamy!" And L said that she liked it even better than macaroni and cheese, which is the biggest compliment on food that one could ever receive from her.
4. I had a girls' craft night at my house last night. One of my friends from church organized it, and since M was going to be out late at a work dinner, I decided to host it this month (after I got the kids in bed). We had a really nice time, so nice that it was 10:45 PM before anyone realized it, and that is late for a bunch of moms who have husbands who work and children who need help sleeping. I took it as a good thing, that we were having such good conversation that we lost track of the time. Thanks for a nice evening ladies!
5. The difference between a Buffalo and a Minnesota winter is that in Buffalo you get lots of snow but you usually get a thaw about once a month or so, but in Minnesota the snow just piles and piles and stays frozen. Here is a comparison of our yard from the summer and what it looks like after yesterday's snow:
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| We are waiting to have a sledding hill that is taller than the fence... |
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| The garden with a 20" fence around it. |
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| Where is the garden now? |
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| The parting of the Red Sea, the Grand Canyon, or our front walk, whichever you prefer... |
7. I have run out of things about this week. It is hard to think of much when the whole week spent inside soaking in the sunshine in the comfort of my heated home. I'll just say that F (almost 15 months) refuses to walk, but loves to climb on tables and up and down stairs. However, she has really good balance on high surfaces so I am not too concerned...
Linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary. Head on over for more Quick Takes.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
There is Nothing Wrong with Weddings or Baby Showers
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| Photo by our lovely photographer, Jen Pagano. |
I came across this article today. The author, Valerie Anderson, has an interesting point that marriage is more important than weddings and raising a child is more important than having a huge party with expensive gifts, which she makes at the end of the article. The rest of the article she spends complaining about the thousands of dollars she spent on being in seven weddings, only two of which the couple are still married. Then she talks about how people throw huge baby showers and emphasize having a baby, instead of graduation from school or a promotion. I agree with her that way too much money is spent on unnecessary things, but I disagree with the idea that the celebrations are a problem.
I was married right out of college, and my husband and I had very little in savings. We asked out parents to help us fund our wedding. Between both sides of the family we had a budget of $8000 (Anderson spent $15,000 on a wedding reception for 125 people). We had nearly 200 guests (we both have large extended families) and the $8000 covered everything: the church, the hall, the musicians, our photographer and printed pictures, the caterer, the two-buck chuck we served to drink, my $99 clearance rack dress, the tux rental, the flowers, and more. We did everything for a little as possible and still worked to make it nice. We used my parents minivan instead of a limo. I picked a reasonably priced dress for the bridesmaids, and my husband and I picked the lowest tux we could find for the groomsmen. Our friend guests carpooled and roomed together, saving as much money as they could. It was simple, it was maybe a little bit cheap, but I think that it was a beautiful and wonderful day for everyone who came.
For me, my wedding was not about "being a princess," it was about entering into the Sacrament of Matrimony with my dearest love and best friend. It was about starting a life together, and hoping for children. It was about helping each other become saints. If that is not something to have a huge celebration for, I am not sure what is. We wanted our family and friends to celebrate with us, to pray for us, and to know that we wanted to share our life with them. That is what a wedding is about. Further, since we were fresh out of college, the wedding and the bridal showers provided us with the necessary material foundation for our life together. If it were not for my parent's generosity, we would have slept on a $99 futon for many years before we bought a mattress for ourselves. A wedding celebration is the community's way of supporting a young couple and helping them start their life together, and the great feast is the couple's and their parents' way of thanking everyone for their support. It is all very beautiful, if that is the way it is approached. As a potential bride, I was very skeptical of the over-commercialization of the wedding "industry", and I think my husband and I navigated it very well for a beautiful and affordable celebration.
Six months after my wedding, my family threw me a baby shower. We were bringing a new human into the world, and that is something to celebrate! A new human life to add to the perfection of the universe! It is a bit hard for a post-partum mother to have a huge party right after delivery, so during pregnancy when the baby is nicely cared for in the womb is a great time. Plus, while there are a lot of unnecessary baby items in the world, new parents really do appreciate the support of friends and family in purchasing all the necessities of baby care. One of my showers was a cloth diaper shower. My third baby is wearing those very same diapers I received as a shower gift three years ago. That shower was not a waste. And, while I did not receive gifts for getting a job after college (which I left to be a mom) or throw a huge party when a blog post gets lots of hits, I am pretty sure that these things are not as major as the existence of a new human being.
The new life of a human has the same value, even when the mom is a teen mom. She might even need more support and aid than a married mom does. This paragraph from the article is probably the worst:
"I've been to a handful of these showers, and the unmistakable fact is that the guest list is mostly other teenage girls, all cooing and fawning over their corpulent friend or cousin, shrieking excitedly as they present her with the beautiful bassinet that they all pitched in for, ignoring the fact that the endeavor she is embarking on will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars and stunt her career opportunities for the rest of her life, not to mention the devastating impact on her social life."Where are the adults in the life of the teenage girl, who needs their help more than ever? It is a great good that she is having a baby, even though it will "have devastating impact on her social life." And there is nothing wrong with her friends supporting her in this; I would rather that than them take her to a clinic to have her child murdered. I am not sure really how this complaint about teenage baby showers fits into the marriage article to begin with, but clearly Anderson is seeing children as a burden and not a blessing. I think the movie Juno, where she gives her baby up for adoption, is a great example of how to act in the case of a teenage pregnancy, but, for those who are able, keeping and raising the child is beautiful as well.
I think that the complaint that Anderson makes should be about the over-commericalization of weddings and baby showers, not the things in themselves, but then that is easy for me to grasp since the value of thrift has been instilled in me my whole life.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Seven Quick Takes, Sept. 27
1. I wrote this piece for Truth and Charity this week. It is about societies attitude on having children and how it is messed up. And I also try to figure out the right attitude to have.
2. We drove the 900 miles to Buffalo, NY this week. It is a long way. Why is our country so big?
3. I think we are going to break two little four year old girls' hearts again when we have to leave Buffalo. But before that we have a big gathering of friends tonight. It is great to be back.
4. For the record, there are seven kids napping in this house right now. There are 2 ten month old babies, 1 eighteen month old, 1 two and a half year old, 1 three year old, and 2 four year olds. S has a magic touch with her kids and niece, and I just got lucky with mine...
5. Old friends are great for getting perspective on life, especially the ones who totally understand everything about my life...
6. My kids both claim to like dogs after living with a fairly tame one for 48 hours. I wonder how the acceptance will pass from dog to dog.
7. These are so short because I am tired and my kids have been going to sleep on their central time zone bedtime and waking up with the eastern time zone sun.
Linking up with Jen.
2. We drove the 900 miles to Buffalo, NY this week. It is a long way. Why is our country so big?
3. I think we are going to break two little four year old girls' hearts again when we have to leave Buffalo. But before that we have a big gathering of friends tonight. It is great to be back.
4. For the record, there are seven kids napping in this house right now. There are 2 ten month old babies, 1 eighteen month old, 1 two and a half year old, 1 three year old, and 2 four year olds. S has a magic touch with her kids and niece, and I just got lucky with mine...
5. Old friends are great for getting perspective on life, especially the ones who totally understand everything about my life...
6. My kids both claim to like dogs after living with a fairly tame one for 48 hours. I wonder how the acceptance will pass from dog to dog.
7. These are so short because I am tired and my kids have been going to sleep on their central time zone bedtime and waking up with the eastern time zone sun.
Linking up with Jen.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Missing My Brother
I have a confession to make: ever since I went to college 10 hours away from home, I have regretted leaving my little brother to pursue my studies. I think that changing my relationships with people to pursue new places and opportunities has always been a source of regret in my life, but the person that I feel it affected the most was my little brother.
He was starting high school the Fall I started college, and our age gap of 3.5 years may seem like a lot, it was so natural for us to have a close friendship. When we were little, we always played together. Being the third and fourth (and two youngest) kids in our family put us together a lot. We spent hours in the summer days building legos, playing cars, trains, and playing with the younger neighborhood kids outside. When our sisters had soccer games in the Autumn, we would explore whatever park we were at. My older sisters had their own friends and their own sleepovers. I was always booted from the room we shared to spend the sleepovers in my brother's room. One sleepover we put the old bunk-bed back together and I spent several months sleeping on the top bunk and chatting with my brother until we fell asleep at night. On family road trips we always shared the middle bench seat and often a set of headphones to listen to all of our favorite songs. We had all the same favorite TV shows, so that precious 30 minutes of television we were allowed was often spent together. And we also both are baseball fans; I was always thrilled to watch his games (since my baseball skills were limited) and we would catch as many pro games on TV and in person as we could.
Thinking back I wonder if things started changing when I started middle school. I think he must have realized that I was going to leave him someday, when he saw me making phone calls to boys. He ran around the neighborhood shouting, "Susanna likes _______!" Which is a crushing sort of thing to do to a middle school girl. But then we remained close even when I was in high school attending various youth groups; I was even really excited for the time when he would be old enough to also be in my youth groups. I never formally dated anyone in high school and I think that made him happy. Both of our other sisters had dated some. He asked me to be his Confirmation sponsor my Junior year of high school (Confirmations are in middle school in the Archdiocese of St. Louis), and I accepted. I was honored, and knew that I had an even greater responsibility to him than that of his sister.
Then I chose to go to college 10 hours away. All summer before I left, he told me that he just knew that I was going to meet a man at college and move away forever. I did. I came home from college that first summer dating M. My brother was pretty annoyed at me; he told me that I was too young to be dating and discerning marriage with someone. Then M and I broke up and my brother told me that it served me right. Perhaps I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice that my brother had missed me and maybe wanted to spend time with me when I was not mourning and moping about my heart. I am sorry I was such a jerk that summer. Though we did have a phone conversation while I was in Austria that Fall semester where he apologized to me for being mad at me for dating; you see he had a crush and ended up dating her.
By the time I got back from studying abroad, I was dating M again. Then I spent half of my break with M visiting our house or me visiting his in Michigan. Then I stayed all summer in Steubenville, and then again the next summer. The longest I spent at home between my first summer of college break and my wedding was the four weeks before my wedding, and by then he already knew that he had lost me.
He claims that he does not do well keeping in touch especially through the phone, and honestly our best conversations since I was married have been during in person visits. And I cherish any contact he has with me, be it a text, a rare phone call, or the in person visits. I hoped that one day we might end up back in St. Louis and I would see more of my family, but that has not happened. For now, I must be content being hundreds of miles away.
You see the thing about my brother is that he is so lovable; he is funny, intelligent, and caring. He knows how to treat a lady (he better with three older sisters!). He has his strong Catholic faith. He works through his weaknesses. He does not need me to be there in person to be who God created him to be, but he does need me as a loving sister who prays for him daily. And that I do, and maybe one day I will be able to stop regretting leaving our family home when he was just fourteen. Because if we both get to Heaven, then we can be together forever.
Thinking back I wonder if things started changing when I started middle school. I think he must have realized that I was going to leave him someday, when he saw me making phone calls to boys. He ran around the neighborhood shouting, "Susanna likes _______!" Which is a crushing sort of thing to do to a middle school girl. But then we remained close even when I was in high school attending various youth groups; I was even really excited for the time when he would be old enough to also be in my youth groups. I never formally dated anyone in high school and I think that made him happy. Both of our other sisters had dated some. He asked me to be his Confirmation sponsor my Junior year of high school (Confirmations are in middle school in the Archdiocese of St. Louis), and I accepted. I was honored, and knew that I had an even greater responsibility to him than that of his sister.
Then I chose to go to college 10 hours away. All summer before I left, he told me that he just knew that I was going to meet a man at college and move away forever. I did. I came home from college that first summer dating M. My brother was pretty annoyed at me; he told me that I was too young to be dating and discerning marriage with someone. Then M and I broke up and my brother told me that it served me right. Perhaps I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice that my brother had missed me and maybe wanted to spend time with me when I was not mourning and moping about my heart. I am sorry I was such a jerk that summer. Though we did have a phone conversation while I was in Austria that Fall semester where he apologized to me for being mad at me for dating; you see he had a crush and ended up dating her.
By the time I got back from studying abroad, I was dating M again. Then I spent half of my break with M visiting our house or me visiting his in Michigan. Then I stayed all summer in Steubenville, and then again the next summer. The longest I spent at home between my first summer of college break and my wedding was the four weeks before my wedding, and by then he already knew that he had lost me.
He claims that he does not do well keeping in touch especially through the phone, and honestly our best conversations since I was married have been during in person visits. And I cherish any contact he has with me, be it a text, a rare phone call, or the in person visits. I hoped that one day we might end up back in St. Louis and I would see more of my family, but that has not happened. For now, I must be content being hundreds of miles away.
You see the thing about my brother is that he is so lovable; he is funny, intelligent, and caring. He knows how to treat a lady (he better with three older sisters!). He has his strong Catholic faith. He works through his weaknesses. He does not need me to be there in person to be who God created him to be, but he does need me as a loving sister who prays for him daily. And that I do, and maybe one day I will be able to stop regretting leaving our family home when he was just fourteen. Because if we both get to Heaven, then we can be together forever.
Friday, January 18, 2013
7 Quicktakes Friday--2012: The Year of Stress and Blessings
I never did a highlights of 2012, and since I still don't have a lot of time to blog I am going to combine them with Friday Quicktakes:
Why 2012 was a stressful year:
1. Job Inteviews: A year ago at this time M and I were probably the most stressed we had ever been in our lives. He had finished his first round of interviews and was waiting for call backs for the second round. He was blessed with five on-campus interviews during February, which meant for me that he was traveling 14 of the 28 days. He had 21 flights (including connecting flights). While I was really happy he was getting interviews, when I heard about the last one (which had him gone for 3 nights and 4 full days) I called my mother-in-law for help with the kids. She was able to take the time and help me out which was awesome. All of the worrying proved to be worth it since he got offered his top choice of interviewing schools and accepted the offer.
2. Leaving the Awesome People of Buffalo: I could say that the thing I miss most about living in Buffalo was Wegmans, but that would be a lie and I do not morally agree with lying. So, I will get a little bit sentimental here and say that I really miss (we all miss) our friends from Buffalo. They accepted us foreigners from somewhere in the middle of the country to Western New York into their network of young Catholic families. I had my first babies with these people as our friends, learned about being a new wife and a new mom from them, shared my heart with them, prayed with them, and they were the best friends I could have asked for. If you are reading this, you better know I miss you!
3. Moving 980 Miles with Two Small Children While Pregnant: I have to confess being pregnant while moving had its perks (read: I did not do any of the heavy lifting), but being pregnant means lots of hormones which means lots of emotions about lots of things that do not always require emotions... Also, when you are driving the car and your husband is driving the truck (when he has never driven a UHAUL before) makes you really stressed. All sorts of awful scenarios were running through my head.
4. Spending Five Weeks Between Buffalo and St. Paul Visiting Family: This could look like that we do not enjoy spending time with our families, which is not true. Five weeks without a home of our own is a long time, and imagine the famous "grandparent effect" (see last week) built up over five weeks. I also missed my bed. My bed spent those five weeks propped up on its side in my in-laws garage, and we are very thankful to them for storing our stuff between cities. One of the ways I relieved my stress during this time was by going to Ted Drewes Frozen Custard four times during our week in St. Louis.
5. Moving to a New City in a State I Never Had Been in Before: My first time in Minnesota was the day we drove to our house (which we are renting). After we unpacked I had to figure out where all the stores were, directions from place to place, find new doctors (which I am still doing) and all the things one does to settle into a entirely new city...
6. New Job for M: We are so thankful for his job, but new jobs are an adjustment. He is the "new guy" and the young guy also. But we are blessed that he has an awesome job in an awesome philosophy department and through it we are making some awesome friends. :)
7. Having a Third Child: I have heard again and again that the transition from two kids to three kids is the most difficult. I believe it (until we have our next I suppose). While F has been the easiest baby so far, sometimes I stop and wonder if I am missing someone. I am pretty sure that this is a sign that I am stressed as I get used to three kids and not that I am ready for another.
I just want to say before I go (and cook dinner) that while all of these things are stressful, they are also ways that we have been blessed this year. God has been so good to us and we are so thankful (even if we are stressed)!
Why 2012 was a stressful year:
1. Job Inteviews: A year ago at this time M and I were probably the most stressed we had ever been in our lives. He had finished his first round of interviews and was waiting for call backs for the second round. He was blessed with five on-campus interviews during February, which meant for me that he was traveling 14 of the 28 days. He had 21 flights (including connecting flights). While I was really happy he was getting interviews, when I heard about the last one (which had him gone for 3 nights and 4 full days) I called my mother-in-law for help with the kids. She was able to take the time and help me out which was awesome. All of the worrying proved to be worth it since he got offered his top choice of interviewing schools and accepted the offer.
2. Leaving the Awesome People of Buffalo: I could say that the thing I miss most about living in Buffalo was Wegmans, but that would be a lie and I do not morally agree with lying. So, I will get a little bit sentimental here and say that I really miss (we all miss) our friends from Buffalo. They accepted us foreigners from somewhere in the middle of the country to Western New York into their network of young Catholic families. I had my first babies with these people as our friends, learned about being a new wife and a new mom from them, shared my heart with them, prayed with them, and they were the best friends I could have asked for. If you are reading this, you better know I miss you!
3. Moving 980 Miles with Two Small Children While Pregnant: I have to confess being pregnant while moving had its perks (read: I did not do any of the heavy lifting), but being pregnant means lots of hormones which means lots of emotions about lots of things that do not always require emotions... Also, when you are driving the car and your husband is driving the truck (when he has never driven a UHAUL before) makes you really stressed. All sorts of awful scenarios were running through my head.
4. Spending Five Weeks Between Buffalo and St. Paul Visiting Family: This could look like that we do not enjoy spending time with our families, which is not true. Five weeks without a home of our own is a long time, and imagine the famous "grandparent effect" (see last week) built up over five weeks. I also missed my bed. My bed spent those five weeks propped up on its side in my in-laws garage, and we are very thankful to them for storing our stuff between cities. One of the ways I relieved my stress during this time was by going to Ted Drewes Frozen Custard four times during our week in St. Louis.
5. Moving to a New City in a State I Never Had Been in Before: My first time in Minnesota was the day we drove to our house (which we are renting). After we unpacked I had to figure out where all the stores were, directions from place to place, find new doctors (which I am still doing) and all the things one does to settle into a entirely new city...
6. New Job for M: We are so thankful for his job, but new jobs are an adjustment. He is the "new guy" and the young guy also. But we are blessed that he has an awesome job in an awesome philosophy department and through it we are making some awesome friends. :)
7. Having a Third Child: I have heard again and again that the transition from two kids to three kids is the most difficult. I believe it (until we have our next I suppose). While F has been the easiest baby so far, sometimes I stop and wonder if I am missing someone. I am pretty sure that this is a sign that I am stressed as I get used to three kids and not that I am ready for another.
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| The sunset in Iowa that my parents witnessed on their way to St. Paul on the day F was born. |
I just want to say before I go (and cook dinner) that while all of these things are stressful, they are also ways that we have been blessed this year. God has been so good to us and we are so thankful (even if we are stressed)!
Friday, November 2, 2012
On Mom Friendships and Mom Blogs
I like to read blogs. I started reading a blog by a mom with two young children about a year ago, and recently realized that her blog was about a three yer old and a six year old. I was relating to her because she had a nursing child and a non-nursing child; suddenly her kids were older and her life did not seem so similar to mine. And then she started sharing from other parent blogs on her blog and the secular view of children and parenting started to really bother me. There is something really, truly negative in a lot of the secular/non-Christian parenting blogs that I can't quiet pinpoint and describe. It is also present in the parenting magazines, which I peruse in doctors' waiting rooms. I found that when I read these things, I am more selfish mother, annoyed at my children, and wishing things were different. Which is not what I am called to as a mother or a wife.
On a side note: I know a lot of my feelings about being a mother lately are coming from being very pregnant, living in a new city where I have not had enough time to develop solid friendships (though I have hopes for many great friends since I have met so many wonderful women so far!), and missing the great friends I have in Buffalo.
However, as I have been reading mom blogs of home schooling (or normal schooling) Catholic moms who have more children than I have, I have found a sort of support system, that will not replace the real life one I am developing here in St. Paul, but will encourage me to press on in my call to motherhood and wife hood.
I realize that my days of cultural normalcy are limited, and that I have been enjoying them perhaps a bit too much, when someone asks G if she is going to be going to pre-school and she tells them very openly that she is home schooled. I know once baby number four starts to make an appearance (be it God's will that our family continues to grow) in a couple of years, I may not get as many friendly comments from strangers. Even now, three is not as normal as two. Also, my kids are "really close together." Ha! I am looking forward to the days that G and L are the teenage older sisters with the baby brother or sister on their lap and I take care of the baby for feeding and changing (like a family we met this past weekend at M's cousin's Confirmation party). I am finding I love talking to the moms of 8+ who have been where I am and are fully aware that since I am 26 and having my third child will be where they are in about 10 years or so. To them my life makes sense and they know what it is like, but they are realistic, seasoned mothers who know that it is all for good and really love their children. They inspire me and have great advice to give. And a young mother needs that support from older mothers. A young mother also needs support from other like-minded young mothers.
And it really is love that it all comes down to. Loving God. Loving myself as God sees and knows me. Loving my husband. Loving my children. Loving my other family and friends. May God help me to always love, and to trust Him in all things. Then I know I will be truly happy and have a happy family.
On a side note: I know a lot of my feelings about being a mother lately are coming from being very pregnant, living in a new city where I have not had enough time to develop solid friendships (though I have hopes for many great friends since I have met so many wonderful women so far!), and missing the great friends I have in Buffalo.
However, as I have been reading mom blogs of home schooling (or normal schooling) Catholic moms who have more children than I have, I have found a sort of support system, that will not replace the real life one I am developing here in St. Paul, but will encourage me to press on in my call to motherhood and wife hood.
I realize that my days of cultural normalcy are limited, and that I have been enjoying them perhaps a bit too much, when someone asks G if she is going to be going to pre-school and she tells them very openly that she is home schooled. I know once baby number four starts to make an appearance (be it God's will that our family continues to grow) in a couple of years, I may not get as many friendly comments from strangers. Even now, three is not as normal as two. Also, my kids are "really close together." Ha! I am looking forward to the days that G and L are the teenage older sisters with the baby brother or sister on their lap and I take care of the baby for feeding and changing (like a family we met this past weekend at M's cousin's Confirmation party). I am finding I love talking to the moms of 8+ who have been where I am and are fully aware that since I am 26 and having my third child will be where they are in about 10 years or so. To them my life makes sense and they know what it is like, but they are realistic, seasoned mothers who know that it is all for good and really love their children. They inspire me and have great advice to give. And a young mother needs that support from older mothers. A young mother also needs support from other like-minded young mothers.
And it really is love that it all comes down to. Loving God. Loving myself as God sees and knows me. Loving my husband. Loving my children. Loving my other family and friends. May God help me to always love, and to trust Him in all things. Then I know I will be truly happy and have a happy family.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Two Sisters Moving Together
I have been appreciating more and more the sweet friendship developing between my two little girls. G. at nearly 3.5 has been really relying on her younger sister for companionship this summer and L. at 20 months, as she develops vocabulary and the ability to play more with her sister instead of in parallel play, is doing everything she can to keep up. I am so thankful on behalf of both of them that we had these two girls first. I imagine that a girl and a boy or two boys would be able to have a friendship as well, but there is something about having sisters.
It seems to me that L. is the perfect age for her older sister at this point in our lives as we just moved to a new city and are meeting new people and adjusting to new places. Any younger would have not been as helpful for her. L. is forming her first sentences/phrases these days. Her first was at dinnertime as we were helping her eat and she told my husband who was feeding her a bite (for some reason she is asking us to feed her), "Mommy do it!" The sweetest phrase came from her today as I was rocking her before nap. I told her it was time to go to sleep and her face turned into the saddest pout and she said "Want G----!" The girls do not nap in the same room since G. only naps about 1/3 of the days.
I am so glad that they have such affection for each other, even if it means they spend too long falling asleep at night because they are talking and giggling. They also fight and pester each other, but they have more fun and games or even cause trouble together than discord between each other. And as we have been transitioning that which has helped the girls the most has been the things that have stayed the same between the two homes from toys, to furniture, to the meals I cook. The most important constant for them has been each other, and I am so thankful that my girls have a life-long friend in each other.
It seems to me that L. is the perfect age for her older sister at this point in our lives as we just moved to a new city and are meeting new people and adjusting to new places. Any younger would have not been as helpful for her. L. is forming her first sentences/phrases these days. Her first was at dinnertime as we were helping her eat and she told my husband who was feeding her a bite (for some reason she is asking us to feed her), "Mommy do it!" The sweetest phrase came from her today as I was rocking her before nap. I told her it was time to go to sleep and her face turned into the saddest pout and she said "Want G----!" The girls do not nap in the same room since G. only naps about 1/3 of the days.
I am so glad that they have such affection for each other, even if it means they spend too long falling asleep at night because they are talking and giggling. They also fight and pester each other, but they have more fun and games or even cause trouble together than discord between each other. And as we have been transitioning that which has helped the girls the most has been the things that have stayed the same between the two homes from toys, to furniture, to the meals I cook. The most important constant for them has been each other, and I am so thankful that my girls have a life-long friend in each other.
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